Memoirs of an Invisible Girl

Okay not so much an adventure, but some thoughts finally put down on "paper".

Memoirs of an Invisible Girl

Did you ever have the feeling you were invisible? Not in the literal sense, but in living your every day life? Well I am that girl. Actually I am 40 years old, but have dealt with invisibility my whole life. You have probably seen me on the street or in the mall, or perhaps worked with me in a previous job, or even met me face-to-face, but due to my invisibility, you don’t remember me and probably would need to meet me several times before you remembered me. And you would probably have to be a close family member to acknowledge my birthday or perhaps wonder how I am feeling.

I think it started in Junior High. I was never the pretty girl or the popular girl. I was smart and had friends, but never seemed to own a room or stand out in a crowd. I remember going to the roller rink on the weekends with my friends and being a wall flower as they announced the snowball skate. The one where one couple starts the skate and when the DJ says “switch” each partner selects a new person from the “wall”. I stood on the wall so long sometimes and I would eventually fade into the benches and eventually give up.

My invisibility didn’t stop there. 7^th grade was awful for the self esteem factor. People made fun of my name and changed it into a horrible slang for the male sex organ. We don’t need to go there though.

Then as I progressed into high school I was flat chested and had short hair and often got teased for being a boy. There was one time where we were changing after marching band and I was in the main music room putting away my clarinet. This was also the room that later became the boys dressing area once all the girls were out. Some boy actually said “oh Invisible is the only one left, we can change”. That was a real up-lifter. At least they saw me.

But high school invisibility didn’t end there. I tried out for cheerleading my freshman year. My best friend’s mom was the nurse at the school and was told the list of the girls that made it. My friend couldn’t wait to tell me. Was invisible girl going to be finally seen? Well low and behold my utter shock when the next day at school they announced the 9^th grade squad and my name wasn’t on the list. Evidently my name wasn’t popular enough, they switched me out for the principal’s daughter. How cruel!!

I never did have a serious boyfriend in high school until my senior year. I did have a major crush on a boy that was from California. Every girl did. I was invisible to him except for letting him cheat off me in Spanish class and hanging out a few times outside of school. At one point I really thought he liked me too, boy was I mistaken. I was just being used.

I dated a few times, but I didn’t play the field and have the fun that other girls were having. Boys just didn’t notice me, and if they did they weren’t really boyfriends that I wanted to have. I had boys that were friends and that I liked to hang out with. And looking back they are the ones I should have stuck with. Hanging out and having fun.

I went to all the major dances of my high school career. The snoball dance was one where the girl asked the guy. Sometimes it took a few guys to get one to say yes, but hey at least I went. I never was a knockout when I was all dressed up. I was always a plain Jane with poofy hair that my mom tried to fix. I have a crooked smile. Thankfully I went through braces and got straight teeth, but have worn glasses since I was 5. Luckily back in those days I could wear contacts though. So that improved my image a little.

Then once I started dating my most serious high school boyfriend who later became the father to my son and my first husband, other boys started asking me out. But after several years of low self esteem and my invisibility, I was too ignorant to accept their invitations and play the field. I was “in love” and going to spend my life with my new beau. We were married when I became pregnant and divorced only 3 years later.

Then I married the man of my life when I was 22. He made me feel special and appreciated me for who I was. With the divorce and other stress of my life I dropped a ton of weight and was down to a size 4 and I dyed my hair black. People were actually starting to see me. That was probably the least invisible I ever was.

Funny thing is, when I married my Mr. Right, I was marrying Mr. Invisible. We used to joke about it. We would go to a wedding or other gathering with many people around who we knew. We would sit at an empty table and see how long it would take for someone to sit by us. Usually it was never people we knew that joined us and they joined us in groups because there were no other tables. We said we repel people. We tell this story to our close friends (yes believe it or not we have a few), and they laugh. I don’t think non-invisible people realize that this is serious.

One time Mr. Right and I decided to sit at separate tables for a bit at a church event, just to see which one of us repelled people the most. I think I won that prize. Someone we knew went up and started talking to him first. This is not a trophy you want friends.

I am a social media person. I have Facebook and Twitter accounts. I do have friends and followers. But let me tell you, if it weren’t for diligent Facebook users, I wouldn’t get birthday wishes other than from my family. I think I could not talk to someone for several years and they would not even give it a second thought.

I will continue to live my invisible life and continue to maintain my friendships via text, email, and social media, but I don’t think I will ever outgrow my invisible life.